*Note: There are many different Black Twitter universes, but this diagram focuses on the general Black Twitter population
Every morning, before I brush my teeth, after I open my eyes, I roll over and turn on my iPhone. The first order of business: check my Timeline.
Twitter is an addiction.
And without fail, I come across the same four things in my feed:
- Intellectual Discourse
- Twitter AfterDark
That’s it. With these four powers combined, Twitter becomes the Captain Planet of the social networking platforms. And being that I am a resident of Black Twitter I find that my TL is a treasure that you don’t understand unless you live and read it on a regular basis. How brilliant is the #RandBQuestions trending topic? Where else can you go to get news, gossip, and hair advice, AT THE SAME DAMN TIME?! To illustrate this awesomeness, I have created a diagram. Behold, the Black Twitter Line Chart:
Looking at the chart, you’ll notice a few interesting patterns:
1. Horoscopes signal a shift change – When Twitterscopes start showing up in your TimeLine at 6 am, that’s when you know the night is done and the day has begun. It’s like the witching hour for Twitter. The Twitching hour, lol. People’s accounts are momentarily hacked by horoscope zombies that give terrible advice on your love life, and those annoying little nuggets of made-up life predictions mark a time when the people who have to be up in the morning for work rise and shine, and also represents when the creeps, strippers and celebrities who have been up all night living the good life go to bed.
2. Intellectual Discourse is highest from 9 am to 5 pm – A coincidence? I think not. It’s because the people who are likely to have political discussions (college educated, job-having folks) are sitting at work toggling between spreadsheets and Twitter arguing the merits of the Affordable Care Act and whole grain pasta. Also, stop trying to minimize your screen every time someone walks by, your boss totally saw your Twitter handle. Get over it.
3. Slander, Diatribes and Rants are the life force of Black Twitter – Everyday someone’s wig gets snatched. *hums Dave Matthews Band* Are you a woman who requires a man to take you on $200 dates? Someone is coming for your edges. Are you a grown man that allows his du-rag cape fly in public? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Think you can sing better than Beyonce? Don’t get stung by the beehive. It’s also important to note that SlandeRants and Intellectual Discourse often overlap, so it is perfectly normal to have someone go in on Mitt Romney’s baffling lack of connection with real people or his political flip-flopping by using a Lafayette gif. Getting (emotionally) cut to the white meat on Twitter is not game, so tweet with caution.
4. Twitter AfterDark skyrockets after 9 pm – No shit, Sherlock. #LonelyTweets and #Thirst start bubbling to the surface because Marcus comes home from his 9-5 and only has Moscato and left over pizza to comfort him. So he starts TwitPic’ing his abs and putting them in miscellaneous DM’s, hoping to catch a Twitter boo. The Thirst is at an all time high during this point in the evening, particularly during cuffing season. Don’t get lost in the sauce.
Anyway, let me me know what you think. Am I way off? Am I on point? What do the alternate Twitterverses look like, does anyone know?
*Disclaimer: this is not based on real science.